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Country Song Counselor

Updated: May 8

Welcome to the country song title counseling session. I've found some very disturbing titles in this music genre, and decided it was time to do a free session. I have no credentials besides majoring in psychology for two years. I am not a professional. I did take a dream interpretation class , so there's that. Anyhoo, here we go.....


First off, I promise these titles are real. You can look them up if you like and have a listen. I cannot be responsible for what repercussions you might have, but go ahead if you dare.


1. "Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreens, I Cried All the Way to Sears" (Ruby Wright)

This composer is obviously dealing with grief, and is self medicating using her shopping addiction. Bless her heart. Bad Billy.


2. "I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim is Getting Better" (Billy Boil)

My word! This guy really needs to get into anger management. His depression is bordering on schizophrenia. If he doesn't get help, I see prison in his future. She's crying all over discount stores and he's plotting her demise. Gracious. This could end up on Springer.


3. "I've Been Roped and Thrown By Jesus in the Holy Ghost Corral" (unknown)

My goodness, this is NOT the Jesus I learned about in Sunday school.


4. "Drop Kick Me Jesus through the Goal Post of Life" (Bobby Bare)

Where in the heck are these people going to church?!?!?


5. "How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?" (Mel Tillis)

First off, do you smell? When is the last time you washed your hands? Are you drop kicking this dog and attend the same church as Bobby? That's not what Jesus would do, no matter what they're telling you.


6. "Who's Gonna Take the Garbage Out When I'm Dead and Gone?" (Loretta Lynn)

Now this is a momma crying out for help with household chores. Someone please get off the couch and give her a hand! This should not be the one thing she's worried about when she goes to meet her Maker. C'mon people.


7. "You're the Reason Our Kids are Ugly" (Loretta Lynn)

Here's another winner from Miss Lynn. Not only do her kids not help out around the house, they got jipped in the looks department as well. Her hubby must be a real catch.


8. "She's Got the Goldmine, I Got the Shaft" (Jerry Reed)

I'm not touching this one with a 10 foot pole. I think it has to do with a terrible divorce. Next.


9. "How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?" (Dan Hicks)

Clearly this guy is dating a stalker who has never heard the quote about setting something free if you love it. Unless he's giving her mixed signals then, sorry buddy! You made your bed "playa"!


10. "Flushed From the Bathroom of Your Heart" (Johnny Cash)

Groce. Was he constipated when he wrote this doozy? Or worse, the other end of that spectrum? Mr. Cash undoubtedly had some stomach issues during the creative process. I wonder if he wrote this on the same toilet where Mick Jagger wrote "Wild Horses". Come to think of it, that title could have an alternative meaning as well. Ew.


11. "Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in the Bed" (Kinky Friedman)

This ruffles my feathers! The guy definitely has the "barefoot and pregnant" mentality for his lady, but with a name like Kinky, what should we expect? Are the biscuits an after-lovin' snack? They only take 10-12 minutes to cook, just sayin. This is wrong on so many levels.


12. "I Don't Do Floors" (Jann Browne)

Is this Kinky's X? She's learned her lesson and is putting her cards on the table upfront so there's no room for unmet expectations. You go girl. The next song should be titled, "I Don't Dust Either". I'd buy that album!


13. "Thank God and Greyhound She's Gone" (Roy Clark)

Holy crud! Well at least he bought her a bus ticket. That's mighty kind of you Roy, leave the driving to them. Maybe he was dating Jann and got sick of the nasty house that she never cleaned. I might want to rethink that album purchase. Where's the vacuum?


14. "It's Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night that Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long"

(The Notorious Cherry Bombs)

This is ridiculously long, but very effective. I don't see a "save the date" card coming from these two any time soon. Time to set up your dating app and take notes from good ol' Roy. I'm sure he'll give you Greyhound's number.


15. "If My Nose Were Full of Nickles, I'd Blow It All On You" (Lou Carter)

Not with the Coronavirus going around, you won't! I don't care how many nickles you have up there.


Feel free to add your own titles at bethroperstewart.com

Don't forget to include your analysis! This ends our session. Y'all have a blessed day.






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